


No Self-Assigned Penance

by almostblue (fictionalaspect)



Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Closeted Character, Divorce, Everyone's been kind of a dick, F/M, Fights, Future Fic, Gen, Growing Up, Grudges, M/M, Old Friends, Or at least a sort of hopeful one, Post-B.A.P fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-02
Updated: 2014-01-02
Packaged: 2018-01-07 04:17:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1115413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalaspect/pseuds/almostblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When his doorbell rings at 1:31 am on New Year's Day, Kim Himchan knows who it is without answering. </p>
<p>He sips his glass of wine and considers not answering the door. It's an option. There's nothing behind that door that he wants to revisit and yet the damn doorbell keeps ringing. There are very few people who know this address, and only one who would show up unannounced after midnight.</p>
<p>But then again, he can't just <i>leave</i> him out there. </p>
<p>It's cold tonight. </p>
<p>"Yongguk," he begins tiredly, when he opens the door. "Go home."</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Self-Assigned Penance

**Author's Note:**

> I got nothing. I didn't mean to write this when I sat down, but that's what happened. 
> 
> Title stolen from "The New Year" by Death Cab for Cutie, for reasons.
> 
> Thank you to asuitofarmour and bictory for reading this over for me ♥

When his doorbell rings at 1:31 am on New Year's Day, Kim Himchan knows who it is without answering. 

He sips his glass of wine and considers not answering the door. It's an option. There's nothing behind that door that he wants to revisit and yet the damn doorbell keeps ringing. There are very few people who know this address, and only one who would show up unannounced after midnight.

But then again, he can't just _leave_ him out there. 

It's cold tonight. 

"Yongguk," he begins tiredly, when he opens the door. "Go home."

"I don't want to go home." Bang Yongguk is standing in front of him. It's been five--six--seven years. Himchan doesn't know. It's been a long time. Yongguk's hair is black, longer in the front and tapered neatly in the back. He's wearing a long coat and a scarf, hands shoved in his pockets. He looks--normal. Classy, even. 

Himchan gives a few mental points to Yongguk's wife. 

Whoever she is. 

"That's really not my problem," Himchan says, and starts to close the door again. There's a reason they don't see each other. There's a reason that Himchan's best friend isn't part of his life anymore, and that's because his best friend was never his friend to begin with. 

Himchan needs to get on that, really. Yongguk has done well for himself. As far as Himchan knows, he married someone else in the industry and has been quietly producing tracks for smaller labels. Yongguk's wedding was in all the papers. Himchan isn't quite as famous--or famous at all, really, not anymore--but with some help he could probably do the same. He still gets invited to parties, even though now he works behind the scenes. He guest-hosts shows for the major networks when the host suddenly gets sick. He occasionally gets stopped in the frozen food aisle for autographs. Things like that. 

But Himchan isn't married, and he knows it's starting to cause whispers of concern. He needs to get on that. He needs to find a nice, pretty girl and settle down. 

"Please don't," Yongguk says quietly. He holds the door, preventing it from closing. They're both stronger than they used to be. There are benefits to regular sleep and full meals. 

Yongguk's wedding ring catches the light from the streetlamps. It's plain white gold. Simple. Himchan would expect nothing less. 

"Take your wedding ring off, then," Himchan says. The words feel rich and pointed on his tongue. Satisfying. "We both know why you're here."

"I'm not," Yongguk says, shaking his head. Himchan can smell the faintest whisper of vodka. "I just wanted to talk. I miss you." 

Himchan sighs, shaking his head. Yongguk looks so _earnest_. So drunk and so earnest and this is the worst idea he's had in years, but he slowly takes his hand off the doorframe and lets Yongguk push his way in. 

He takes Yongguk's scarf and coat, hanging them up mechanically. Himchan's chest is empty and aching. 

"Go sit in the living room," he says, defeated. "I'll bring you something to drink." 

"Whatever you're having." 

"I'm having wine. It's New Years. You don't smell like you need any more." 

Yongguk shakes his head. "Someone bumped into me," he says, sniffing his own sweater and then wrinkling his nose. "It's not--I'm not here for some drunken fuck. I only had a few. I'm fine."

"Could've fooled me." Himchan keeps his tone purposefully light as he pulls another wineglass down from the shelf. "Come on, then." 

In the living room, the television is still turned to tonight's Gayo. There's an act on that Himchan doesn't recognize. They're not terrible. They can't be much older than their late teens. Himchan sits down and sips his wine, closing his eyes and swallowing. 

He should probably change the channel. He'd been fine before, when all he was doing was lazily watching the performances. There'd been parties, but he'd uncharacteristically turned them down. He's leaving for Japan in 24 hours, and as his manager constantly likes to remind him, he's not as young as he used to be. Thirty-four doesn't bounce back as easily as twenty-two did. 

Sitting here with Yongguk is making him feel fucking old. 

"Their rapper is good," Yongguk says, out of the blue. His voice, if possible, has become even deeper. "They're from CL's studio. They don't practice enough and I'm not sure if they'll make it, but she has talent." 

"Good to know." Himchan doesn't mean to be sharp, but he can't help it. He doesn't want to be reminded of his twenties right now. He changes the channel to the news and then hears himself blurting out, "How do you stand it?"

"Stand what?" Yongguk is sitting on his couch, wineglass in hand. Yongguk is sitting on Himchan's tasteful couch in Himchan's tasteful apartment and this is all wrong, wrong, wrong. Yongguk should be lying on Himchan's bed, half-awake, exhausted and wiry and exhilarated. They should be fucking in the three hours they're supposed to be sleeping, giving up rest for sex without a second thought. Yongguk should be young. Himchan should be young. They should be together.

"Working with them," Himchan says, setting his glass down firmly. His hands are shaking, but Yongguk doesn't need to know that. "Dealing with teenagers all day. Looking right into your past." 

"It's not like that," Yongguk says. "You can learn a lot from them. Working with kids keeps you young. They always surprise you." 

"It doesn't make you miss it?" 

Yongguk turns to look at the TV. "No," he says. It rings hollow. He should know better than to lie to Himchan. 

"You still haven't told me why you're here," Himchan says eventually. "It's--" he checks his watch. "It's 2:09 am on New Year's Day. Why aren't you home with your wife?" 

"Hyoyin?"

"Sure." Himchan watches as Yongguk absently fingers his wedding ring. He wonders if Yongguk knows he's doing it. 

"We're separated." 

Himchan blinks. That part wasn't in the papers. 

"You're getting a divorce?"

"I don't know." Yongguk takes another sip of his wine, larger this time. "She says I work too much. She says I care about the kids more than I care about her." 

Kids. Plural. Right. 

"You have two kids under the age of 3 and you're getting a divorce?" Himchan knows his voice comes out accusatory, but he's so surprised that he help it. It's just so...un-Yongguk-like. Yongguk is the master of self-deprivation. Himchan can't imagine him doing anything selfish. 

"I told you. She wants one. I can't stop her. She wants the kids, too, but I'm going to fight that. Even if it means giving up the job at the studio." 

Himchan swallows. There's a wave of guilt rushing over him, thick and powerful. "I'm sorry," he says quietly, into the sudden silence. "I--didn't know."

"I know you didn't. No one does." Yongguk side-eyes him. "You know an awful lot about my life for someone who hasn't spoken to me in six and a half years, though."

"Well." Himchan shrugs, uncomfortable. There's a smile tugging at his mouth, and he has the usual urge to make a joke to get himself out of the situation. "I had to make sure you weren't dead, you know."

"Do you still talk to everyone?"

"You know I do." Himchan raises an eyebrow at him. Junhong had been complaining to him just yesterday about how Yongguk never called him anymore. He's on tour in Europe right now, and his video chat had kept dropping sentences, leaving mouthing words and then rolling his eyes and typing everything out into the touch screen. It had been pretty funny. They'd been laughing over it. 

"So it's just me, then."

Himchan rolls his eyes. Yongguk in the middle of a pity party is still as annoying as ever, even if this is weird and strange and Yongguk has every right to feel like shit right now. "You're here now, aren't you? I took you in, gave you wine. I'm hospitable as shit." Himchan fails to keep a straight face after the last line comes out of his mouth. He's tired and he's pissed but he's also drunk and hey, that was pretty funny. 

Yongguk looks up in surprise when Himchan snickers to himself. He looks so much like a deer caught in the headlights of a car that Himchan starts laughing. It's his awful, barking laugh, the kind he tries so hard to hide when he's on camera. Yongguk stares at him in utter confusion.

"It's--not you," Himchan gets out. "I'm not laughing at you. I'm just--" he waves an arm around. "This. It's. Funny in some cosmic way, right? Maybe it's just sad." His laughter dies down. 

Yongguk looks down at his glass before leaning back and draining it in one last gulp. "Maybe it is funny," he says, a half-smile flitting across his face. "I told you I never wanted to see you again, and here I am. On New Year's Eve, even." 

"New Year's Day," Himchan corrects him. 

"And six years later, I'm still dropping everything and running to you when my life goes to shit." 

Himchan bites his lip. "Guk--"

"It's true. Why do you think I'm here? I just couldn't think of anywhere else to go." 

Himchan gets up from his chair, sitting down on the couch. He doesn't dare touch Yongguk, or hug him, but maybe just holding his hand for a second will be okay. Himchan reaches over and threads their fingers together. Yongguk looks at him in mild surprise. 

"Bang Yongguk," Himchan says. "I want you to know that I still fucking hate you for walking out on me and doing what you thought society wanted you to do. I still hate you for kicking me out of your life." He takes a deep breath, making a face. "But apparently I'm a moron, because if you need help, I'm still here." 

"Thanks," Yongguk says. His smile is wider this time, a slight hint of gums. Himchan looks down at their hands and realizes that sometime in the past few minutes, Yongguk has slipped his wedding ring off. He swallows, and doesn't think about what that could mean. He's too old for that kind of false hope. 

"So how much help do you actually need," Himchan says, just to break up the silence and to calm his pounding heart. "Are we talking like, hey, I need a heart to heart, or hey, I need to sleep on your couch for a while?"

Yongguk laughs. "Ah," he says, looking down. "I might--it's just for a few days. I need to figure some things out."

Himchan blinks. "I was kidding about the couch thing."

"Oh." 

"But, I mean--I guess." Himchan pulls his hand away without thinking. Yongguk sleeping on his couch means Yongguk being here. It means Yongguk in his space all the time. It means seeing him sleepy-eyed in the mornings and showering in the same shower, and--

"I'll just get a hotel," Yongguk says, staring at Himchan's face. Himchan wonders what kind of expression he's making, because Yongguk looks distinctly wary, like Himchan is a stray cat with an attitude problem.

"No--no it's fine," Himchan says quickly. "It's okay. Stay here." He smiles. It feels fake, and probably looks the same. "I'll get you some extra quilts. My sister made me buy them when I moved in. I think Jonguppie's the only person who's ever used them."

"Jonguppie?" Yongguk blinks. 

"He stays here whenever he has to come into town for a night or two, and it's not worth getting a hotel," Himchan says. "You know him. He'd rather just sleep on someone's couch than go to all that trouble."

"Yeah." Himchan doesn't tell Yongguk that it's really nice when Jongup stays over. He'll usually text Himchan on a Wednesday or a Thursday and then Himchan will look forward to it until Friday night, when Jongup will arrive with beer and takeout and whichever anime series Nara has currently banned from the house, for the sake of the baby. They'll sit around in their pajamas and drink too much and laugh at inappropriate times, like when someone's head explodes. Himchan will fall asleep with his head on Jongup's shoulder. The next morning Jongup will make them both do 100 crunches to make up for the night before, and Himchan will curse his existence. 

It's a routine. It makes Himchan feel like maybe he's not over the hill quite yet, even if doing 100 crunches with a hangover is a lot harder than it used to be. 

"I'll go get the blankets," Himchan says, standing up. Yongguk nods, picking up the wine glasses and Himchan's plate from dinner and walking into the kitchen without being asked.

Himchan watches him go, and then he drags himself together and goes to find sheets and blankets and clean pajama pants. 

\--

The first thing Himchan does when he wakes up on New Year's Day--again--is sneak out to the living room and check to see if Yongguk is actually sleeping on his couch, or if he just made that shit up with his brain. He peers blearily at the couch through his glasses and yes, okay, there is a black mop of hair snoring under a pile of blankets. 

Himchan sneaks back into his bedroom and locks the door and spends a few minutes having a total fucking breakdown. 

When he's done silently yelling all the epithets he can think of, and punching his mattress, and kicking at his bedspring (bad idea) and possibly punching his bed frame once or twice (even worse idea), he gets up and wipes his eyes and goes to wash his face. Puffy and tear-stained is not a good look for anyone. 

Yongguk wakes up around 4, after Himchan has finished showering and covering up the effects of his hangover. He stumbles into the kitchen while Himchan is reading the newspaper on his tablet. He's shirtless, lacking underwear, and clearly has just woken up. 

_Very _clearly has just woken up.__

__Himchan chokes on his coffee._ _

__"Fuck," Himchan groans, looking down at his chest. He likes this T-shirt. Or liked, rather, since coffee stains are impossible to get out. "Go put some fucking underwear on, you dickface."_ _

__Yongguk stares at him. He looks at Himchan, and then down at himself, and then back at Himchan._ _

__Himchan takes his glasses off, and rubs between his eyes. "Please tell me you remember last night," Himchan says._ _

__Yongguk stare at him for a long moment. "I remember," he says eventually._ _

__"Good," Himchan says, stripping his T-shirt off and throwing it in the trash. "Then get your dick out of my face and put some underwear on."_ _

__"I--" Yongguk opens and closes his mouth, and then makes a tactical retreat to the living room. Himchan approves. If Yongguk is going to stay here, then he needs to keep that shit under wraps. It doesn't help that he's filled out, that he has muscles that Himchan doesn't remember and a tiny hint of soft stomach._ _

__Himchan changes his T-shirt and cleans himself off and reminds himself that this is his ex who broke up with him to play at being straight. This is Yongguk, who told Himchan in a fit of anger that he never wanted to see him again. Himchan may have froze him out, but it was Yongguk who said it first._ _

__Himchan's bedroom door opens._ _

__"I like your glasses," Yongguk says quietly. He's wearing a T-shirt, but still no underwear. Himchan wants to growl in annoyance. He laughs, instead. It's habit._ _

__"Do you need underwear?" Himchan says pointedly, opening his dresser drawers. "Is that what this is about?"_ _

__"No," Yongguk says. He takes a step inside, and then another. Himchan turns his back on him, searching pointlessly through his underwear drawer just for something to do._ _

__He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath when he feels Yongguk's arms wrap around his waist. "Don't," he says softly. Helplessly. He can't do this again. He _can't_._ _

__"I'm sorry," Yongguk whispers. He pauses for a long time, long enough for Himchan to feel their heartbeats beginning to echo one another. "For everything."_ _

__"Sorry doesn't fix things," Himchan says. "Words don't fix things." He wishes they did. He wishes that a simple apology would fix all of his failed relationships in the past six years. He wishes that someone could wave a magic wand and make him like pussy. Himchan wishes for a lot of things._ _

__"I know."_ _

__"Then why are you saying it?"_ _

__"Because it matters anyway." Yongguk's chin is hooked over the curve of Himchan's shoulder. "Because saying things out loud is what helps them start to become reality."_ _

__Himchan snorts. "Deep," he mutters. "Very deep, Guk." His hands are wrapped around Yongguk's hands on his hips. He doesn't remember doing that. "Last night," Himchan says. "You kept saying that she was leaving you. Like it was all her decision. Like you still wanted to stay together."_ _

__"Kids should always have two parents that love them," Yongguk says. Himchan's mouth twists. Of course. "I thought that if we both loved them, it would work out somehow."_ _

__"But it isn't."_ _

__"I forgot about the part where the parents have to love each other." Yongguk's voice is utterly devoid of emotion. His expression is blank. "I fucked that part up."_ _

__"Congratulations," Himchan sighs. "Only took you six years to realize it. It took my parents almost twenty." He shrugs. "You don't have to be in love to be married," he says, even though it's the exact opposite of what Himchan believes. Even if Himchan's given up on marrying someone he's truly in love with, he can still marry a woman that he loves deeply as a friend. It will be enough. It's going to have to be._ _

__"Some people don't," Yongguk says. "I do. And I don't love Hyoyin. I care about her, but I'm not in love with her."_ _

__"Gay man marries straight women, doesn't fall in love," Himchan muses. "I'm shocked. This has never happened before. Please, tell me more about this strange and unusual occurrence."_ _

__"Dick." Yongguk pinches Himchan in the stomach. Himchan yelps, and slaps Yongguk's arm. He doesn't know why they're still standing like this. He should have moved away from Yongguk's arms long ago._ _

__"I have every right to be a dick," Himchan says. "You left me, married someone else, showed up on my doorstep six years later, and now you're in my pajamas. You don't get to be pissed off when I say the shit that no one else is brave enough to say to your face."_ _

__Yongguk rubs his face in Himchan's shoulder. His arms tighten around Himchan's waist. "Yeah," he says eventually. "You're right. I don't."_ _

__Yongguk's hair is soft against Himchan's cheek. It smells both sweet and familiar, like he'd probably given the kids a bath and not bothered to get up and get real shampoo for himself._ _

__Himchan's chest aches. He wants to meet Yongguk's kids. He wants to see their tiny faces and laugh at how they're probably just like their father. He wants to have a family that will ravage his perfect, tasteful apartment and turn it into a messy, comfortable home. He wants a son and a husband that will smell the same after taking a bath together. He wants to be able to laugh and kiss both of their damp cheeks and chide Yongguk for being lazy._ _

__"I don't think you understand how much we can't do this." Himchan is proud that his voice doesn't waver. He's not even tearing up. There's just a stupid lump in his throat, that's all. A lump in his throat and the smell of strawberries. "I'm greedy. I want everything that you have. If you give me this, I'm going to want all of you and I can't--" fuck, his stupid voice is breaking. Dammit. "I can't do that again. I'm not doing that again."_ _

__"I'm not asking you to," Yongguk says. His voice is muffled against Himchan's shoulder. "I'm leaving after this. I'm going to stay with Youngjae. They have a spare room now that the twins are sharing. He and Eunji offered."_ _

__"Okay," Himchan says. He is not going to cry. This is a stupid reason to cry, and Kim Himchan does not cry for stupid reasons. And anyway he's already cried once today. That's his absolute maximum. There's no room on his schedule for any more sad emotions. There are rules about this sort of thing. "That's probably for the best."_ _

__"I'm going to meet up with Hyoyin tomorrow and tell her to start the divorce proceedings."_ _

__"Don't forget to get a lawyer. Not that she's--you know what I mean." Himchan attempts a smile. "Just don't forget to get a lawyer. I hear that kind of thing is a pain in the ass."_ _

__"I won't."_ _

__"Good."_ _

__"And I'm going to call you next week."_ _

__Himchan frowns in confusion. What?_ _

__"And the week after that," Yongguk continues. "And the week after that. If you'll let me."_ _

__"You're going to call me?" Himchan is still lost._ _

__"I'm going to try." Yongguk's tone is dry. "I know I'm not the best conversationalist, so you'll have to do most of the work."_ _

__"As usual." Himchan swallows. "So, I guess this means you're over that whole thing where you never want to talk to me again?"_ _

__"You mean the part where I said a lot of dumb shit because I was in love with you? No," Yongguk says. "I'm not really over that yet."_ _

__"Oh," Himchan says. He bites his lip. "Good to know."_ _

__"But I think we both know there's a lot of other things that need to happen first." Himchan closes his eyes. He's so warm. Yongguk's arms are so warm and somehow Himchan's spine has accidentally melted. Everything still aches, but now Himchan's chest feels less like an open wound and more like the soreness from a particularly intense workout._ _

__But even if Yongguk is serious, there's still the matter of--_ _

__"Guk," Himchan says quietly. "I'm not in my twenties anymore. I mean, I'm not hideous, but it's not going to be the same--"_ _

__Yongguk--unexpectedly--starts laughing. "Kim Himchan," he rumbles, soft and close to Himchan's ear. "At what point did I ever imply that I gave a flying fuck about what you looked like?"_ _

__"Uh, I don't know. Maybe all those times you told me how hot I was when we were fucking?" Himchan raises an eyebrow._ _

__"You're still hot."_ _

__"I'm old. I have wrinkles."_ _

__"I like your wrinkles." Yongguk grins. "And your glasses. I wasn't kidding about that. You should wear them all the time. It makes you look distinguished."_ _

__Himchan stares at him. "...if you say so," is the only reply he can eventually come up with. Out of all the things he's been called in his life, "distinguished" has definitely never been on the list._ _

__"Besides," Yongguk says. "That knee injury really fucked up my back. I'm not exactly some athletic young stud anymore either."_ _

__Himchan snickers. "We sound like we're eighty. We need canes and wheelchairs."_ _

__"Nah." Yongguk's cheek is warm against Himchan's. Himchan can feel the edges of his smile. "We're not ancient. Just a little older and wiser, that's all."_ _

__"Older and wiser," Himchan muses, as he watches the rays of the setting winter sun reflect briefly off the windows of his neighborhood. He closes his eyes once it's too much, dazzled by a sudden sharp burst that has orange dots swarming and curling behind his eyelids. "I guess...maybe I can live with being older and wiser. Instead of just old."_ _

__"Good," Yongguk says, holding him close. His hair is falling into Himchan's eyelashes. Himchan smiles at the familiar feeling, and doesn't brush it away. "Because since we're the same age," Yongguk says, "I guess you're going to have to."_ _


End file.
